Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)