There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Netflix: We have Less
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Hotels are back
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no