Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
You Might Also Like
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?