Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”