On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up