First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I’m literally crying