I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-