[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
You Might Also Like
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”