In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
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It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.