My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.