marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
scared to check what name she chose
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Dietest Coke
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes