Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Attacked by a mop.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard