dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
How animals would run if they were human
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.