YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
You Might Also Like
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I love twitter
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.