Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes