My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
thanks auntie mary
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
an octopus is just a wet spider
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425