Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together