I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day