“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
This guy gets it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700