Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
shit just got real
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.