If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Bros before Ohioes
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.