Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
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[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Put this video in the Louvre
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
who wore it better?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.