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OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?