Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”