god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.