Missionary, so we can keep arguing
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave