In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
three things we don’t talk about
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Wake me when AI does housework
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.