Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
No laws when master is gone
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.