people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.