*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
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My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The Joker was right
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice