5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
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Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.