what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it