Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
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“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*