“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Who knew!
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes