I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.