Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
CUTE CAT‼︎
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Oh no
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go