Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
You Might Also Like
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
dogs can find happiness so easily
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
A bold strategy
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one