Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work