When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
😜
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”