Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
pizza
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My flabber has been gasted.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”