When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
A short story about romance.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
there’s probably a fee though
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃