HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
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Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.