Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee