I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
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*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Aight bet
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Nomnomnomnom
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.