Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!