The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.