Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
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Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I came this close!!!!
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.