My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Anyone really
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
don’t we all
Doggies just call it style.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
so, is there a mister shapen head
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.