After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*