[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
cry laughing at this shit
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.